Relational Boundaries Onion Ring Exercise

Where there are no clear boundaries, you need to create them yourself.

1. Consider people and relationships that are at the very core of your life, and write their names in the white circle (A). These relationships are reciprocal, supportive, mutually enhancing, open, connecting, vulnerable, and where you feel safe to be yourself. It might just be a handful of names, might not be your partner or family. Some people may want to be closer to you than you are to them. 

2: In the next ring, write the names of people with whom you have relationships with some closeness, depth, and reciprocation, but with whom you do not fully open up. Have a think about why they are placed there? Matters of safety include that person’s ability to hold private information about you or their capacity to care in a way you find helpful.

3. The next layer may include people you meet regularly, with whom you have some rapport and share personal information, but the relationship does not open up too deeply.

4. At the outer layer (D) are people with whom you may not open up at all. These can be mainly fun and banter, with little to no depth, or just small talk among acquaintances. 

5. Are there names there that you would like to explore further? 

6. Add the names of people or groups whom you know and work with. Consider which zone you wish them to be in. What do they sense you want from you? Where do you feel you need to place the boundary?

7. Notice where the boundaries are and what that feels like. 

8. What can you do to support your boundaries?